According to the US Department of (g)Agriculture, here’s the list you’ve all been waiting for:
Note to gents: Avoid the consumption of these or any other beans (”pork and beans”, “refried beans”, “bean salad”, etc.) before any critical events! Beans = Fart Pills!!
“One summer’s day in the mid-1860′s, a young French boy named Joseph Pujol had a frightening experience at the seashore. Swimming out alone, he held his breath and dove underwater. Suddenly an icy cold feeling penetrated his gut. Frightened, he ran ashore, but then received a second shock when he noticed seawater streaming from his anus. The experience so disturbed the lad that his mother took him to a doctor to allay his fears. The doctor complied.
The boy didn’t know it at the time, but this unsettling rectal experience at the beach not only indicated no illness, but it also foretold of a gift that would later make him the toast of Paris and one of the most popular and successful performers of his generation…”
For the rest of the story on this role model for all young men and women, check out this historical fart master story.
Aside from being required reading for any serious fart master, its inspiring and really funny!
Its simple: clean out your colon.
In other words, spend a week sweeping your internal floors & washing your counters (I mean, sweeping & washing out your large intestine), kill off and expell the intestinal parasites that are sitting inside you right now (yes – inside your own gut, eating your lunch, making more farts), finally get rid of that hotdog you ate in 1987, and you’ll notice a dramatic improvement in your fart quality. That is, if you think that less smelly and less often is an improvement!!
But seriously: if you’re smart and you’ve never heard of colon hydrotherapy, do some reading. Mainstream culture doesn’t talk about the subject much. Be sure to find some pictures on Google too. If you see the pics and still decide not to do anything, don’t blame fate when you get grumpy or sick in a few years!
Don’t worry though – its not like you’ll completely stop farting if you act boldly and actually clean out your rear end. After all, that would almost make the whole procedure almost not worth it.
Some of the most amazingly ridiculous information you’ll ever see is now up in the “Fart Research” section of the main Fart-Fart.com web site. Check it out for a serious laugh!
Here are a just a few sample phrases uncovered in this research (phrases typed into search engines by folks looking for fart humor). There are many more right here.