For some reason, I’ve been taught to believe that farting in a store is less polite than farting once outside.

So I’m picking up a few things at a Rexall, pinching off a few juice-bombs so I don’t stink the joint out. I go through the checkout, head for the door, and prepare to let loose.

Just when I get outside, I run into this family acquaintance – an older woman who might even be some distant relative. But I’d already let most of the gas out already! I don’t know how much she heard, but she just smiled and chuckled. Good thing it was breezy and the traffic provide some background noise!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 3/10
• Volume: 7/10
• Characteristics: P-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-P-T P-R-R-R-R-P-T !!
• Trip to the John solved it: no need – passing bus helped enough already
• Fart Fuel: pasta salad loaded with olives & onions
• Casualties: a pseudo-grandmother who probably babysat me in 1980

So I’m walking to work, letting out a little morning steam. Just before reaching the building entrance, I let out two big ones. Knowing what was trapped in my pants, I decided to wait a few seconds before going inside.

Thinking I’d solved the problem, I went inside, immediately running into someone I knew. Not 5 seconds later, a wicked stench filled the room. But I thought I’d left it all outside!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 8/10
• Volume: 6/10
• Characteristics: persistent, a zero-doubt “someone farted” smell
• Trip to the John solved it: about 15 minutes later
• Fart Fuel: late night grilled cheese sandwich
• Casualties: my pants, another co-worker

I can’t say I like shopping too much, but I was out picking up some tops the other day when an old friend appeared and said hi. It was an unexpected pleasure – I hadn’t seen her for probably 5 years. We hung out a fair bit in University.

The thing is, I’d just let a mid-sized whopper go before I noticed her. She was standing about 6 feet away from me (across a table), so I couldn’t tell if she could tell what had just happened. She didn’t grimace, but it was a real lingerer, and its not like there were a lot of people around. Anyway, I decided to leave it as a mystery, didn’t say anything, and who knows what she thought?

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 6/10
• Volume: 2/10
• Characteristics: fart mixed with new fabric smell
• Trip to the John solved it: more like a trip to the till
• Fart Fuel: garden salad, croissant, and an apple
• Casualties: good old Kristel

What gives?

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 1/10
• Volume: 1/10
• Characteristics: a near gas-less run of three days
• Trip to the John solved it: apparently
• Fart Fuel: totally normal diet
• Casualties: this blog post

The human body never ceases to amaze me. Today, I put in some breakfast cereal, several whole-grain rye crackers, carrots, a cheese sandwich, lemon rice and asparagus, and guess what came out? A series of suffocating, room-clearing fart bombs.

I had to stop unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen due to fart smell. My evening shower got cut short after blasting a big one in the enclosed gas (glass) chamber. I even had to leave the my computer for a few minutes while typing the first paragraph of this post.

Some guy at the office got caught in the first wave, back around 4:45pm. It was just when I realized my farts weren’t odorless anymore.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 8.5/10
• Volume: 4/10
• Characteristics: remarkably similar to sulphur stink bombs
• Trip to the John solved it: not looking good
• Fart Fuel: good good whole wheat Shreddies
• Casualties: me, one co-worker

I’m in a meeting today with the owners and executive for a small local company. The team consists of one man in his 40s, one snappy woman around age 35, and a married couple in their early sixties. I’m the only one there from my company.

About 45 minutes into the meeting, the small room fills with a noticably gross smell. No noises or confessions, just a bunch of stink. 5 minutes later, I’m hit with wave #2, trying not to crack a smile while watching people’s faces for clues to figure out who was guilty. About 10 minutes after that, wave #3 hit and it is worse than others by far! Like, choking in my seat bad. The meeting ended a few minutes later, we all stood up, did the parting formalities, and I showed them to the door, but I never found out who did it. Whoever it was, they sure did a good job of hiding it!

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 7/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: stuck in a room with no windows, cabbage flavor
• Trip to the John solved it: hopefully
• Fart Fuel: excitement over the work I’ve been doing?
• Casualties: 4 innoncent bystanders!

So, I’m out zipping around on my mountain bike tonight and could not BELIEVE how much gas I had. I estimate 30-40 farts! I was out for probably 90 minutes, but still, it just didn’t quit.

No problems, except that there were a few times when I had to really pinch off to avoid public disturbances…

The worst was when I was carrying my bike up a very long flight of stairs. The sun was setting to my left, this couple was being all lovey about 10 steps behind me, and I was trying like crazy to not puncture the mood. I let a bunch of silent ones out (thanks to some superior fart control & timing techniques); I wonder if they were too busy being blissful to notice?

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 3/10
• Volume: 3/10
• Characteristics: plentiful, worrysome (turd concern), slightly painful cramps
• Trip to the John solved it: tried, but no luck; farts still flowing
• Fart Fuel: madras lentil curry on rice
• Casualties: romantic couple (possibly), my bike seat

Still only partially conscious, I’m sitting at the kitchen table this morning, peacefully thinking about the day ahead.

I barely even noticed doing it, but suddenly the air was so thick I could barely breathe.  The thing must have lingered there a full minute too, which made finishing my cereal a  pretty serious problem.  I still had that morning mental haze going on, so I just sat there and took it, half-choking, unable to think about moving to another room.

Fart-Meter:

• Stink factor: 8/10
• Volume: 0/10
• Characteristics: sneaky, warm
• Trip to the John solved it: about 2 hours later
• Fart Fuel: tofu hotdog
• Casualties: me, the plant, and the fish